I can be very honest about what I think of concerts, but it’s about time those who tape entire shows shared their true feelings too.
In full transparency, nothing about this article is satirical. i hate concerts I know that as a black man growing up in the 90’s, which is often referred to as hip hop’s golden era, I should love gigs. I should have a collection of Black Moon and Wu-Tang t-shirts and Tupac and Biggie bobbleheads alongside a photo album of laminated copies of my first Jay-Z tickets. Well, I would have saved my Jay-Z tickets if I could go back in time; He’s the exception, not the rule, but otherwise I can’t stand concerts.
I don’t like the crowds. The struggle to find a parking space is costing me years of my life. The seats are always too tight, even in the VIP area, and the overpriced food sucks, the overpriced drinks suck, and every line is so long. Ridiculously long – how long does it take to buy and serve chicken fillets and canned margaritas? And that’s not the worst. The parking, eating and drinking does not compare to the etiquette of so-called concert lovers who always feel the need to leave the seats they have paid for.
Songs sound better out of my Sonos or Apple headphones than out of some super speaker that could give me tinnitus.
My seats – my seat is always occupied by one person, which gives me two extremely uncomfortable choices. Option one is to hustle me down the aisle with the camera light on, shine the light on the person sitting in my chair, and ask them to move while they explain the mix-up and explain that they made a mistake and sat in the wrong chair. Option two is for the usher to embarrassingly walk them out of that section they knew they shouldn’t have been there, causing everyone in the line to miss part of the concert because they feel the need to go more get for your money. I hate both options equally, but it has to be done because I always try to buy the seats with the most legroom. It never fails. I always end up playing this awkward music chair game, and for what? To be honest I’m not even sure I like live music.
Streaming technology has revolutionized the way we consume music. Songs sound better out of my Sonos or Apple headphones than out of some super speaker that could give me tinnitus. And I can stream these songs from home where the food and drinks are always great and priced just right. At this point you’re probably wondering: why does he go if this guy hates concerts so much? The answer is clear: I am married and my wife loves live music.
She only prefers live music; If she had her way, Patti LaBelle would sit in her passenger seat and scream “Daydreaming and I’m thinking of you” in her ear as she drove to work in the morning. This year she has seen Erykah Badu with her close friend Anita Baker and Babyface with our moms, also SWV, Jodeci, Dru Hill twice, Janet Jackson and we will see Usher.
Are you a documentary filmmaker? Because that’s the only proper use for all that excess footage.
My knees hurt when I think about the seats, but I’m a good husband. So if it makes her happy, I’ll walk up there proudly, try to dance with her between those cramped seats, and smile like I’m as excited as a Supreme Court judge at a Trump rally. Ultimately, these concerts make me happy because she is satisfied. I know my wife is content because she’s there all the time, singing every song word for word as she drifts to a place just big enough to keep her in the music. My wife doesn’t pull out her cell phone, doesn’t get distracted by other concert-goers, or actually sits down. That’s why I ask questions of other people who go to concerts because of their behavior – people who don’t seem as committed as they do.
So many claim to love concerts, like my wife, but I feel like they don’t really enjoy the show, more like me – mainly because they spend their time recording the entire event. To better explain my thoughts, I’ve compiled a list of questions I have for people who need to document live shows.
- Does your arm hurt? These shows last four hours and you keep a steady right hand with the camera perfectly aligned even during the breaks. How do you do it? Do you work out? Do you own a Bowflex or a Shake Weight?
- Are you trying to steal dance moves to use in your own show?
- How many GB is your phone? After 5,000 photos, my device stops responding. So how is your phone running smoothly with 5,000 hours of video? Are people buying Android phones because they can store 72,000 hours of HD footage? Should I trade in my iPhone?
- Are you a documentary filmmaker? Because that’s the only proper use for all that excess footage.
- Do you ever really look at that three to ten hour film you just recorded?
When I tell my friends that I hate concerts, they try to make me feel bad. But do the people who record whole shows have fun? Do they love concerts or are they just looking for something to do hoping it will be over soon? i need answers
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