Matt Hancock wins I’m a Celebrity: What Would That Look Like?

PImagine the scene. It’s the end of November. Matt Hancock has been named king of the jungle. After a month of tears, torture and tepid banter, he has wiped out all competition. Boy George made zero impact. Mike Tindall is in the dust. Jill Scott is nobody. The public voted to humiliate the former health minister and he ate it up. Literally: He ate all kinds of testicles. But at some point during this process, there came a moment when the tide began to turn. Exactly when is hard to say: when he taught Chris Moyles parkour? Playing truth or dare around the campfire and admitting he thinks Dominic Cummings is a “gimp”? Or when, at his ninth Bushtucker trial, he finally got broken and cried into a bath of eels? Nobody knows. But this much is true: he may have lost the Tory whip, but he won the hearts of the nation. Matt Hancock redemption arc is complete.

You obviously think I’m joking. This is a guy who managed the worst Covid death toll in Europe. Who set lockdown rules preventing people from saying goodbye to loved ones and then broke them just for having the horn. Who’s recently started wearing turtlenecks in a way that screams “midlife crisis”? The British public would never tolerate a former Tory’s cynical attempts to redeem his reputation or show his bare chest on television. Ed Sheeran is already suing for damages after Hancock sang one of his songs with his eyes closed within five minutes of arriving on screen. Whatever the case, you just can’t deny the content. The man is a TV car accident. He brings with him the kind of terror that shakes your bones. He seems… scared of swearing? (Oh no, not “Slurry”!) He’s – there’s really no better way to put it – an idiot.

So when victory comes – which it won’t – what will new national sweetheart Matt Hancock do with his newfound influence? Well, become an influencer for sure. Don’t forget, we’re talking about a person who created an app with their own name. He’s seemingly accepted his political career is over, but after hosting the nation’s Covid briefings and answering questions from Britain’s toughest political hacks, he’s comfortable in front of the camera and able to handle the media. And he has a unique gift for communication: Boy, does he have apocalyptic levels of Partridge?

The possibilities will be endless. In fact, they will come in such numbers and so quickly that Hancock will have to hire Ekin-Su’s agents to field them all. The soft launch begins with a torment aunt column in a national newspaper, Hancock Helps You, in which he will provide motivational recovery advice. His byline inexplicably shows him on a fence post in the country. This will coincide with a tearful performance on Elizabeth Day How fail Podcast for which he is praised for his vulnerability and remorse.

One mistake: He didn’t show “the real me” until he was paid a large sum from a long-running reality TV series. After all emails before-i am a celebrity were ignored, finally his pitch to start a human interest series, Hancock: Chasing Healthis recorded by Channel 5. Next up is his podcast on love and relationships, Hancock, which will rocket to the top of Apple’s podcast charts. Interview partners include Esther Perel, Michael Gove and Rita Ora. And then the jewel in the crown – the launch of his own turtleneck brand, which will also have a range of waistcoats. All garments have MATT written in capital letters on the front. ASOS will make it big with this.

Like a middle-ranked Love Islander’s somber, unrelenting schedule of nightclub gigs, Hancock will know that to earn hay with his newly recovered rep, this moment has to be rocket-charged. He needs to #sponcon while the sun is shining. The continuation of his pandemic diaries, Matt Hancock: Let me be clearwill be a… Sunday times Best seller but won’t stay in the charts for long. His children’s book series on personal hygiene goes to a smaller publisher. And the fly-on-the-wall documentary about his attempts to start his own political party will fall flat after supporters pull out when interest wanes. The guest moderations of Good morning Britain gets thinner when Richard Madeley comes back from annual leave. But Hancock will have adorned his legacy, and he will have paid for his divorce.

Reality TV shows have often provided the ideal backdrop for public redemption. Without his trip to the jungle, Peter Andre would never have got “Mysterious Girl” back on the charts. Ed Balls can get TV work forever thanks to his heavy-footed “Gangnam Style” canter Strict. Even Jim Davidson won a number of Celebrity Big Brother once. But of course it can also go the other way around. You could be George Galloway, forever etched in the public memory for pretending to be a cat while wearing a leotard. Hancock is a no hoper. He is the cat, the milk and the leotard. And in doing so, he will singe our retinas.