KATE LAWLER recalls sitting in her daughter’s nursery and planning to kill herself during the depths of her undiagnosed postnatal depression.
Despite loving her daughter, the 41-year-old Virgin Radio DJ admitted to struggling with suicidal thoughts after the birth of her daughter Noa in February last year and was shocked that she was on the verge of hurting her.
During an interview for Fabulous magazine’s March cover story, she shared how things took a turn for the worse after an incident when she was so desperate to stop her then two-month-old baby from crying that she almost shook him.
At the time, her partner of eight, Martin “Boj” Bojtos, 38, insisted she needed professional help.
“I am grateful to Boj that he could see the signs. I just couldn’t cope,” admitted Kate, who recently published her debut book Maybe Baby.
“When I had to put her on the bed, Boj said, ‘I’ve never seen you so broken.
I don’t really remember. And then he said: ‘We’ll get help because you’re so stubborn and think: ‘I can do it’, but you can’t do it on your own.'”
Kate continued that it’s important for new moms to have the right support.
You can’t really understand it, but there were many times when I sat in the nursery and felt so down that I wanted to kill myself
“In those moments with Noa where I was so desperate, so crazy, I understand why it’s so important that people have ways to ask for help,” she said.
“When you’re depressed, you think, ‘I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way when I have so much to be happy about.
“I have a roof over my head and I have a family and a partner who loves me and I have my dogs and a job and I have a healthy baby.”
“You can’t really understand it, but there were many times when I sat in the nursery and felt so down that I wanted to kill myself.
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“I thought, ‘I don’t want to be here anymore. I ruined my life. I ruined Boj’s life.’
And I’ve never had that before. I started googling new mom suicide rates and it’s terrifying.
“Then I thought, ‘I’ve resisted having a child for so long because I knew I was going to feel this way.’
It was really hard to deal with because I felt resentment towards Boj. He’s a saint for putting up with me for being so miserable.”
I thought, ‘I don’t want to be here anymore. i ruined my life I ruined Boj’s life’
“I’m very fortunate to have a partner who’s really in tune with how I feel — he notices. I can’t believe he’s still with me and still wants to marry me.”
Kate credits getting a night maid three nights a week until she was feeling better and seeing a therapist alone as well as a couples therapist with Boj to turn things around.
She also used CBD oil before switching to antidepressants and decided to be honest about how she was feeling on Instagram.
“I think we’re seeing a shift towards women being more open and honest about their postpartum mental health,” she explained. “It’s important to have these conversations.”
“I didn’t think this would ever happen to me. I want to normalize postnatal depression or just feeling down and believing you made a mistake or regret having the baby as it is normal to feel that way.
“It’s really tough being a parent. I’ve never found it easy, even now that Noa has turned one year old.”
https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/17926808/id-sit-daughters-nursery-want-kill-myself-kate-lawler/ I would sit in my daughter’s bedroom and want to kill myself