Bafta stars’ bright eyes watered at the atrocities in Ukraine

News broke Sunday afternoon that the heavily pregnant mother, who was photographed on a stretcher in Ukraine, had tragically died along with her unborn baby.

At the same time, 2,000 miles from the rubble streets of Mariupol, multi-millionaire movie stars, dripping in jewelry and designer labels, gathered on the red carpet for their own carefully orchestrated photo ops.

6

6

With half a million Ukrainians starving to death, Hollywood titans applauded their unprecedented Bafta success.

Of course, this was the craziest awards show in Bafta history. But these thesps are not FIENDS.

Of course, they paid tribute war deadwhile waitresses refilled their Taittinger.

Their hearts were bleeding, they explained, between mouthfuls of whipped vegan cottage cheese and Creedy Carver duck breast with roasted pear, duck fat carrot and a duck leg confit croustillant.

Awakened eyes, painstakingly made up by headline sponsor Lancôme, watered as stars mourned families torn apart.

Despite that inner fear, these superstars put on the performance of their lives – laughing heartily as host Rebel Wilson cracked gag after gag.

“Ladies and gentlemen and a gendered youth,” she began. And how the millionaires giggled and bravely put their heartbreak aside.

After the water supply was cut off in the Donbass region of Ukraine, the champagne flowed at London’s Royal Albert Hall. (Soon joined by another sponsor, Woodford Reserve).

While thousands of people in the UK were busy organizing clothing banks for displaced citizens, celebs excitedly flaunted their free designer dresses – ones costing around twice the average monthly Ukrainian salary.

Actresses took to Instagram to flog their wares, unashamedly “tagging” their glam troops: the designers, jewelers, shoemakers, make-up artists, stylists and personal trainers, in effusive posts.

Perhaps Prince William was the real winner of the evening.

The Duke of Cambridge, President of the Bafta, wisely avoided the ceremony, reportedly over war concerns. In its place came a video message.

So what about the awards themselves, which have been seen by an average of 2.5 million people – 1.5 million fewer than pre-Covid, pre-war times?

Kevin Maher, writing in The Times, explained: “There was almost everything wrong with this illogical, unpredictable and nonsensical list of winners.”

I guess a lot of viewers who were watching from their couches – no blisters in hand – did so because they had little choice.

Cleaning PRIMA DONNAS

The BBC insisted on broadcasting this snore-fest on Sunday evening in prime time. For those who don’t have the luxury of Netflix, Amazon Prime, Sky or Disney+, this was it or Crufts.

Many wisely chose to watch a bunch of spoiled prima donnas preening themselves stagger down the catwalk. A few daredevils stayed with the Baftas.

But hey, after the PR disaster of 2020, when Joaquin Pheonix called the awards a “system of oppression” toward his mostly all-white nominees, Bafta was on a mission.

“The Power of the Dog” starring Benedict Cumberbarch won two awards. It’s a film so long, so seriously nuanced, so on-brand (about a downtrodden gay cowboy) that it obviously had to win.

Self-proclaimed feminist Emma Watson continues to bite the very hand that has fed her so well and seems sneaky to JK Rowling about her trans views. “I’m here for all witches,” she explained with a knowing grin.

There was a really warm, wonderful moment.

Deaf CODA star Troy Kotsur has won Best Supporting Actor for a truly touching film starring a cast of deaf actors.

Twenty years ago that would have been unthinkable. Such progress that gives a voice to minorities is where the “awakened” culture is a force for good.
In a world that’s so bleak right now, escape is needed. For beautiful clothes and pretty faces.

But broadcasting this smug, proper ceremony, filled with such excess, live on our national channel seems inadvisable.

Let the Luvvies have their night, but spare the rest of us.

6

KEIR IS PAINFUL. PERIOD

As far as I know, Sir Keir Starmer has never had a period. He has never experienced PMT’s head f***ery.

He’s probably never walked home from a night out nervously clutching his phone in one hand and keys, sharp edges out, in the other.

And he’s definitely never given birth to a living, breathing human baby.

But here he is, explaining to all of us what it means to be female.

When asked what a “woman” is, Sir Keir explained, “A woman is a grown woman, and besides, trans women are women, and that’s not just my view – that’s actually the law.”

Is there anything more annoying than a middle-aged, privileged, white, middle-class man gossiping about the sorority?

THE ROLE IS JAMIE’S GREATEST

WHAT does it say about our society that the bravest thing an actress can do is get fat?

Jamie Lee Curtis, star of the 1988 classic A Fish Called Wanda, turned down a fat suit to play her latest character.

6

Unlike Gwyneth Paltrow, Sarah Paulson, Courteney Cox and most recently Renee Zellweger (who, tbf, previously gave a good bang in Bridget Jones), Jamie lets it all hang in her new film Everything Everywhere All At Once.

Alongside an unflattering photo on Instagram, she said above, “Since I was 11 I’ve been pulling in my stomach.

“I made a conscious decision to let go of every muscle I had that I used to clench to hide reality.

“I’ve never felt more creative and physically free.”

Totally admirable. But there’s no way I’m going to let it all hang out at the beach this summer.

VLAD THAT IS SORTED

Vladimir Putin and his cronies have struggled over the years to ensure Westerners pronounce the megalomaniac’s name correctly.
“Poo Tin”.

A woman named Lena Olausson of the BBC Pronunciation Unit (really) explains: “The stress of the first name is on the second syllable and there is no ‘pew’ sound in the surname: vluh-DEE-meer POO-tin”.

6

So well done for this prankster whose dog poop sticker went viral on Reddit and is now popping up on trash cans across the country.

Here’s an alternative that does exactly what it says on the tin. And maybe one for Poo-tin’s PR department.

DORA TO SPAY IT SAFELY

HORROR in the Moodie household.

I thought emergency pregnancy tests were long behind me. Unfortunately, no.

6

Dora Moodie, the one-year-old Miniature Dachshund, recently came into season and—when my back was turned—was mounted by a Shiba Inu.

The fuck, I’m told, was brief, but as Take That once sang: It Only Takes A Minute (Girl).

With her huge, rock-hard nipples, small pot belly, and constant “nesting,” I couldn’t ignore the signs any longer.

An emergency trip to the vet and an ultrasound later, it turns out that little Dora is experiencing a “false pregnancy” – a phenomenon that occurs in around 40 percent of non-neutered bitches.

I’m too young to be a grandmother – she will be neutered next month.

BEAT IT BULLIES

WE all know a John Bercow. Every workplace has one.

A power hungry, foaming at the mouth, little man who belittles others to make himself feel so much bigger.

The former Speaker of the House – dubbed a “serial hitter” – angered in last week’s 89-page report has been suspended by the Labor Party.

Let’s hope this marks a broader turning tide – every office needs to trash the Bercows.